i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
