You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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