oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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