all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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