and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
