I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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