Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
