please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
