No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
