He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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