I got chris browned last night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
