you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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