you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
