Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
