Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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