I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
