is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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