Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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