Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
