My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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