I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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