I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
