that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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