at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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