She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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