Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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