I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
