11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
