That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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