gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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