Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
