You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
