If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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