i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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