Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
