Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I stole a fireplace last night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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