Walk of Shame. In a state park.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize