Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
COCAINE IS GR8
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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