She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
