dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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