I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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