I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
