You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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