so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
