our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
