I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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