She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
