His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you had me at cake vodka
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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