there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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