wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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