you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
