I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
