so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
