you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
