fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
