im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
