The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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