I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
